The more things change....

Wow, it's hard to believe that the holidays are coming full steam! Tomorrow will be the one year anniversary of my dad passing away. Can't believe it's went by this fast. I would like to think I am healing and moving on with life as I should. Most days, I would say 'yup, doing ok'.

My Army man has found a new girlfriend. I approve, not that it matters one way or another in the whole scheme of things. She seems like a nice young woman and I am pretty sure that her little girl is going to have me wrapped around her little finger if I get to spend very much time with her at all. The first night I met the little one, after just a few hours she wanted to give me "happy smacks". I wasn't sure exactly what to expect, because when you have raised two boys, a smack is not usually a good thing! But apparently a 'happy smack' from a sweet little 2 year old involves hugs and kisses! The best thing about the new girl in his life is that he is happier than I have seen him in months, if not years. I have a feeling that if the little one and her mom hang around much longer that I will have to come up with aliases for them so that they can be included in this blog. I am betting the little one will provide much fodder for me to write about. Probably making more fun of myself and my struggles with dealing with little girls, hair ribbons, baby dolls, etc. OMG..I just freaked myself out a bit with that thought....

My little guy just turned 16 a couple days ago and bought his first car. We are calling it the pimp mobile as it is a black Cadillac. He has bought a good car at a reasonable price so that is all good, even though the cassette deck confused him a fair amount. Talk about a change in lifestyle for Hubby and I! I remember when Army man got his license he disappeared at every opportunity. Now that the Little Guy is driving, hubby and I are kinda sitting around looking at each other a lot wondering what to do? No kid to pick up after school, no practice to sit in the parking lot waiting on completion, etc! It's kinda nice and a lot strange. Little Guy is a lot less confident in driving around by himself than what his older brother was, but he will get there and will be disappearing more and more. Job applications are flying through his little hands as fast as he can fill them out. He is desperate to find a job that doesn't involve hogs and Boss Dad!

Date night came into play last Saturday and it was nice to be able to go out once again, just the two of us. We visited the Tuscany Grill in Robinson and was very impressed. Went to walmart afterward (wahoo!) and came home. I think Hubby and I are going to have to revamp the date night rules so that WalMart isn't an option for entertainment on date night. I am hoping this adjustment period will go smoothly for hubby and I as we learn even more about being US again as opposed to just being Dad and Mom.

Our youngest wiener has completely went nuts the last couple weeks. I swear she has a little wiener meth lab hidden somewhere in the house. She goes from perfectly normal, napping wiener to full on psycho mode at the drop of a hat. I don't think all three of the previous wieners were nearly as ornery and destructive as this one little shit is. Another underwear buying mission will soon have to be completed, for the whole family! ..little pervy wiener is hell on them!

Proud mom moment also recently occurred. My Little guy asked me if we were once again going to deliver gifts to Crossroads Cancer patients like we did last year. My heart just swelled when I realized how well both of my boys have learned the whole 'random act of kindness' lessons. And yes, the good Lord willing, we will once again deliver Christmas cards with a little something something in it for the patients, hopefully making their Christmas just a little easier while they fight the cancer beast. And who knows...maybe the new girlfriend and her little one (man, I really gotta name them!) will join us in what I hope continues as a family holiday tradition!

Last but not least, I spent most of the month of October with my big brother working at cleaning up dad's place and preparing his final resting place. I am so proud of how everything turned out. Dad and Mom are resting together, as they should be. It has finally been decided that my Army man will for sure have Dad's place. This makes me very happy knowing that it will remain in the family. Army Man is buying the pond side of the land from my brother and I am deeding the house and what would have been my property over to him. He will have a nice place to start building his life with and hubby and I will always have fishing rights. ;)

Getting this task completed and completed well, if I do say so myself, has helped me more than anything else this past year. Big Brother and I are closer now than what we have ever been and that is such a treasure to me. I hope he reads this and realizes how very important that he and his family are to me and mine!

Happy Monday folks, if you get a chance...help out a complete stranger whenever you can. You will be amazed at the kindness that comes back to you!

Still learning.....

Personally, I hate that feeling of being “out of control” when I am pissed off. I freely admit I have a temper although I am usually able to keep myself under control and not retaliate more than a couple verbal shots to the offender’s ego. But, if you make me mad enough that I cry….watch out, I am close to the explosion that, more than likely, you deserve. I don’t cry easily or often. I don’t like to cry, it makes my nose get all red and stuffy and my face gets all blotchy.

There was an incident a while ago that brought me to tears in a very public way, right on the sideline of a varsity football game. Without going into complete detail, lets just summarize the incident into a brief sentence: “You were adopted by Leo, you aren’t even his real kid”. Talk about a kick in the teeth! That comment really hurt which in turn made me so angry I could do nothing but stand there with tears rolling down my face and my heart breaking.

I have known since I was old enough to understand the phrase, that Dad had adopted me. Dad met me for the first time when I was six weeks old and I have never thought of Dad as anything but “Dad”. He chose to legally make my brother and I his own shortly after getting married to my mom. What really knocked me on my ass about this comment wasn’t the attack on me but the lack of respect it showed my dad and his memory. How could someone question his intentions for my brother and I almost 42 years after he made that decision? He taught me how to fish, ride two wheel bikes, and applied band-aids as needed. He raised me to know how to work, what respect is, and how good you feel when you help others just because you can. He was always there for me to lean on when I needed to and later on, he knew I would always be there for him. Dad raised my brother and I as his kids and I can, without a doubt in my mind, say he never thought about the process anymore than what we did.

I freely admit that when I heard this, I lost it. I said some things that were probably uncalled for and really not nice at all. After loosing sleep over this, shedding tears, saying a whole lot of words that aren’t very Christian, and throwing/kicking many things, I started to calm down a bit. I admit, it took me a while to calm down enough to think through the problem, but I eventually did.

When I took the time to rationally go through everything that had happened, my focus cleared up a bit. Not only could I see what the intentions behind this comment were, I could also see the emotions behind it. The anger & bitterness, while directed at me, stem from feelings regret and jealousy. Nothing I say or do can cure these problems for someone else. That’s for them to deal with and hopefully heal from. I made my choices over the last several years; I live with them and have no real regrets or doubts about my choices.

While I will never forget the intentional pain inflicted by this comment and the many others, I will learn to turn the other cheek as often as I need to. (Thank Jim K, I needed that reminder!!) I will continue to be the person my Dad raised me to be: A good wife, mother, sister, and friend. Someone who is honest, who works hard, plays often, and whose character and integrity are not often questioned. With that being said, I am not nor will I ever be a doormat that people can just walk all over. I will stand for what I believe is right and may the good Lord be by your side if you try to hurt me or mine.

And how are you?

Health Care Reform...my ass!

A while ago my little guy was complaining of pain in his knee and down to his leg. For the first little while, we blamed it on the fact that he had grown almost 6 inches in seven months and that football was becoming pretty physical. After working with the athletic trainer for a while, the trainer thought it would be a good idea to send the little guy to an Ortho to get the knee and leg more thoroughly examined. An appointment was made for Wednesday morning and away we went.

The first thing the Doctor did was order X-rays of his knee and leg. We sit in the exam room for what seems like forever, waiting on the doctor. When he finally comes in, I could sense right away he was concerned. Call it mom-stinct or whatever, but my stomach immediately clenched up and I felt the beginnings of panic setting in. There are times when being able to read people well is more of a curse than a blessing. The doctor begins to examine the little guy but he wasn’t focusing on his knee hardly at all. He was really poking and prodding down in the upper shin and calf areas. Several minutes pass and the doctor finally moves up to his knee and does all the knee tests that I am so very familiar with. The doctor completes his exam and sits down. He buzzes his nurse asking her to bring in his laptop so that he can show me the x-rays.

The doctor starts off with the knee and says that there may be a small meniscus tear but he thinks that the knee is structurally sound. But…(I hate when Doctors say “But”) there are two spots showing on the x-ray in the upper shin area of Little Guy’s leg that shouldn’t be there. Spots?? What the hell? He is only 15! I ask if the spots are bruising in his leg from a hit or something. The doctor says no, these are within the bone itself and we need to get a clearer picture of them to determine if they are cancerous or not.

Talk about a gut check. I felt the urge to vomit right there, all over his slick little Apple computer. I look over at Little Guy to check his reaction. He is completely engrossed in his ipod and not paying any attention at all, which is somewhat of a relief. Kids shouldn’t have to hear stuff like that, should they? I try to tell myself that I am not hearing him right. Surely, we can’t be discussing the big C when it comes to my baby boy, right?! The Doctor patiently explains to me again what his fears are with the spots as I am doing everything I can to make him change what he just said.

Finally, Control Freak Suzi asserts herself and I start asking where we go from here. I am a planner, damnit; give me a plan to focus on so my mind will take over and my guts can settle. The doctor wants to do an MRI of the knee and leg so that a very clear picture of these spots can be made. Great, lets get that done. I/we can wait all day to get one done. What time shall we be back for the MRI today? Well, low and behold, we can’t get it done today. I am at a loss. We can’t get this test done today? When my Army man and Hubby had knee injuries, the MRI’s were done w/in hours of the appointment. The scheduling nurse patiently explains to me that with all the regulations and changes that have come to pass due to “Obama Care” we will have to wait for insurance approval. (Flipping Obama Care! Grrrr!) An MRI was scheduled for Monday morning and a follow up appointment on the next Wednesday to get the results.

Okay, waiting a few days for an answer isn’t awful, I can handle this, right? Yup, I suck it up, put on my brave face and take Little Guy to school. I go home, find Hubby and explain the situation to him. We are both worried and feeling a little ill. Hubby asked what Little Guy thought about everything. I have to snort at this point because Little Guy was completely oblivious to the gut wrenching conversation that took place right in front of him, all he knew is that he has to have an MRI done and that he doesn’t want surgery if his meniscus is torn until after football season is over. Hubby and I decided that it wasn’t necessary to fully explain the details of the visit unless he asked about them. We both agreed that a 15 year old shouldn’t have to worry about this until it was absolutely necessary for him to have to worry about it. So the wait begins…..

Friday evening my phone rings. It is the scheduling nurse that we worked with to get the MRI set up. Well, we can’t do the MRI Monday because the insurance company hasn’t approved it. WHAT?! What do you mean they haven’t approved it? Why are you calling me at 4:45 pm on Friday to tell me this? Ohhh, I am pissed! I call my insurance agent and again it is explained to me that due to Obama Care, our insurance may not allow the MRI to happen right away. The case will have to be reviewed by the company’s medical team and a decision made as it whether or not this test is really needed, so on and so forth. Don’t get me wrong, our agent is the complete shit when it comes to our insurance needs, I am not knocking him at all. By this time, it is after 5 pm and all hands are tied. Our agent tells me that first thing Monday, he will do whatever he can do to get the ball rolling on this. I call the scheduling nurse back (poor thing, she bore the brunt of pissed off Mama Bear pretty well) and she is just as frustrated as I am, it seems. It’s always interesting to get the opinion of folks who work in the medical field about the Obama Care bullshit. The MRI is rescheduled for Wednesday pending insurance approval. With the help of the Doctor, our agent and a little bit of pissed off mama bear, the Wednesday morning MRI is approved by Monday afternoon.

MRI get’s done and the Dr’s office calls to ask us to go ahead and come in to get the results that day. They have sent the MRI off to get an immediate reading (technology is a wonderful thing). The spots are NOT cancerous, they are just deformities in his bone that will cause no long-term effects or problems. And the knee shows a small amount of fluid build up due to a slight sprain (stretching) of his MCL. There is nothing to worry about on either issue. Words can’t really describe the relief I felt upon hearing this. I say a silent thank you prayer and look at my little guy. Rhut Roh…he is PISSED!

As we walk out of the office and get into the truck my Little Guy is fuming. He asks why we didn’t tell him that the MRI was checking him for cancer? Didn’t we think he had a right to know this? He is completely full of 15-year-old hormone outrage. I told him that the doctor had explained everything the first visit when we were both in the room and that he just wasn’t paying attention. Hubby and I had discussed it and felt that it was not necessary to put that type of stress onto him. Little Guy was still upset and felt we mislead him about everything. I told him that I would lie down in front of a train to keep him from having to go through that type of stress and worry at his age. I refused to apologize for it and would make the same choice everyday for the next year if I had to. He was mad for a while, but after a couple of days I think he began to understand our position on this.

By now you are probably wondering why I have went into this long-winded dissertation about a simple knee sprain. Well folks, you need to educate yourselves about “Obama Care” and all of its repercussions. Did you know that when this plan fully takes effect, you could be told when and where you can see a doctor? If I find a lump in my breast, I could be put on a list for the next available mammogram, which may not take place for 6 months or more? So much for early detection and treatment! The government and the insurance company will be telling YOUR doctor what is needed, not the other way around. I could go on for many more pages about my findings when I took the time to educate myself about this bullshit. Not what the news told me, not what I read on Facebook, but actual honest to God education. For your own sakes, talk to a nurse, ask your doctor, talk to your insurance agent, talk to a congressman who knows (snort!) the ever-changing facts about Obama Care. And beware…if anyone tells you that they completely understand the nonsense that is the Obama Care health act, you should call bullshit on them at once.

Take the time and help yourself folks…. you never know when it may be your 15 year old child facing the possibility of the big C,…and then it’s up to some unknown entity who couldn’t give two shits about him that will decide if and when he gets the necessary testing and/or treatment.

So many changes.....

When I sit back and look at my life over this past year, one thing that stands out to me is how much my life has changed. Sometimes, my head just reels when I ponder this. Some of the changes are very good, some are just life and some are maybe not so good.

I have come to realize that without my friends and family, I would have probably comepletely lost myself in the midst of all this change. For the most part, I am still me..just a slightly different version. I have found myself slowly weeding out the shit in my life that gives me a stomach ache. It's just not worth my happiness to worry about how "everyone" percieves me. I am me, take me and love me for who and what I am or walk away and leave me. The choice is yours.

When Dad died, I realized pretty darn quickly how much my friends mean to me and even how much I probably mean to them. Whether you came to sit on my kitchen floor with me to comfort me me because I was too out of it to grab a chair, or you brought me a "Mary Prayer" bracelet that was just perfect, or you brought a bottle of booze to share with a hug and a sympathetic ear. Maybe you agreed with me that being COMPLETELY PISSED OFF was really okay, and probably you took time out of your professional life to help me weed through all of the beuracratic nonsense that follows a death. My friends (female and male alike) were right there for me and I know that they always will be. Today, I thank you for that. Each and everyone of you (and I think you all know who you are) made me feel loved, protected, and supported. For that I am grateful and want you to all know that you each hold a special place in my heart.

I also finally learned that I don't have to be strong all the time. No one is going to look down on me for showing how much I hurt and that leaning on others is what it's all about. Saying "Help" doesn't constitute weakness at all. For several years I attempted to be Super Suzi. My thinking was "Do it yourself, don't ask for help, just suck it up and do it!"  I realize now how many people I let down by trying to do it all. To those closest to me, mainly hubby and my boys, I will say that I am sorry for putting you "in line" with all my other duties and I will say Thank you for not giving up on me. Stubborn pride will get the best of folks sometimes, it sure did me.

I have also realized that I just can't fix everything. Yeah, I know that sounds cocky but I am naturally someone who wants to make peoples problems go away. Sometimes you just can't do that, all you can do is be there to listen, hug, support and occasionally take them out to get drunk and put the problem on the back burner for a couple hours. Maybe, sometimes the best fix for those close to me is just being me. Wow, that's kinda scary to think about, huh?

Some of you may be a little surprised by this next change, but if you're surprised then you probably only know the "Surface Suzi" and not the "Complete Suzi". I have actually become a lot more outspoken when it comes to standing up for me. Used to be when somone would say or do something that hurt my feelings, I would joke it off and let it go. I have always wanted to be a people pleaser so I would tell myself "he/she really didn't mean that" or "they are just trying to be funny". Yeah, I use snarky sarcasm a lot, but mostly that is just me and my humor, I rarely make it personal. I haven't always stood up for myself and what I need. My feelings, wants and needs were usually pushed to the side so as not to rock the boat. I find myself not doing that so much anymore. While I still won't start an argument, if you are out of line I am going to call you on it. It may be somthing so simple as saying "Ouch" if you are being mean (intentionally or not) to me or it may turn into a screaming tirade that you are completely unprepared for. (Little Guy thinks those are funny when not directed at him) I think part of this may be 42 year old hormones but part of it is also long overdue.

I had a few plans and dreams in my head that I have had to finally let go of and boy, let me assure you, that hurt! Some people say "Never give up on your dreams". That's cool and all but sometimes you just have to admit to yourself what is realistic and realize that maybe holding onto that dream is causing more harm than good. But once I accepted that what I wanted to happen wasn't going to happen, I was shocked at how many other ideas came up. I was also plesantly surprised that my six month long stomach ache had pretty much disappeared. Little Guy and I had a conversation about this. He said to me "I am sorry you have to go through this..I can see how hard this was for you". Out of the mouths of babes comes a true reality check. I won't go into details about the dream I had to let go, partly because it is still pretty painful and raw and partly because you, dear reader, don't need to know ALL of my deep, dark secrets. I am thrilled with the ideas and thoughts that are now bouncing around in my slightly warped mind. They fill me with excitement, not acid reflux! Even if they never reach fulfillment, they are there for me to go after. And I am!

My OCD tendencies have also waned a bit. I no longer have a complete meltdown if something doesn't go as I think it should. While I still have my "psycho" moments, they are fewer and further apart. I still haven't given up on my "lists" and I don't think I ever will but I allow much more wiggle room in them. This is a fairly positive change as you just can't "plan" life. It is going to happen even if it's not on your to-do list. My blood pressure is down significantly...  ;)

All in all this year definately had it's moments, good and bad. I am much more self-aware and I think I am more comfortable in my own skin now than I have been in a long time. I have learned how to ask for what I need, how to tell folks what I don't need and I think I have even made a few more fun friends. But, I don't think I have become that person who only thinks of herself. I catch myself still trying to "fix" a few things, but hey, that's one of the best parts of me. Who knows if all of these changes will last? Not me..hell, 6 months from now I may have thrown away my favorite ball cap & Nikes, and will be wearing dresses and heels, combing my hair and wearing make-up daily. If that happens...someone please STOP me and get me the hormone replacement I would so obviously need!! I beg you!!

Happy LIFE folks, that's what counts!

They're just BOOBS.....

What is it with guys and boobs? Ran into a "boob talker" the other day and the conversation went a little something like this:

Guy: "I saw you mowing Saturday" (Big Grin and quick glances at boobs)
Me: "Yeah, I was behind and spent the day mowing"
Guy: "You mow in your bathing suit. You looked good." (Longer glances, bigger grin and creepy eyebrow wiggle)
Me: "Yeah, uhhm, thanks?" ('this is awkward' tone )
Guy: "I can't believe 'hubby' lets you mow in your bathing suit!" (brief disapproving look before returning stare to my chest)
Me: "Uhhh, excuse me but 'LET ME' ?!?" (extremely pissy tone)
Guy: "Just didn't think he would approve. I wouldn't!" (mouth breathing while staring at my chest)
......And the conversation pretty much deteriorated from there.

Ok, really? First off, what is it with talking to boobs? I just don't get it. Yes...I have boobs...whoopeeee! Doesn't everyone?  Some are bigger than others but really, a boob is a boob, right? My boobs don't talk, they know a few tricks but won't ever make to onto Ripley's, and they haven't really been useful for over 15 years. Yeah, they are fun a couple hours a day/week, but are mostly a pain in the back. Having big boobs doesn't effect my IQ level and I haven't named them, other than calling them "The Girls" on occasion. While I am not embarrassed by them, I don't flaunt them out in public a whole lot. I have modesty issues, remember? Usually, I forget they are there, until a mouth breather reminds me or they get in my way.

Yes, I wear a bathing suit top when I mow so I have a significant tan line. I can assure you that this mowing top is in no way a compromise to my modesty. Probably a bit more revealing than the tank tops I wear daily in the summer, but not much more. It's not like I am out there w/ a couple strings and triangles covering only the bare minimum to keep me from being arrested. (shudder, that just wouldn't be very good of me to do) And why on earth would I need Hubby's permission? Pretty sure it's my body to show or cover as I see fit. As for the guys I work with..I think most of them either think of me as one of the guys or someone who is their mom's age. I don't think half of them realize I am female most days. I was surprised that last Saturday night though; one of the guys we were with informed hubby that he should "let me" go topless to get rid of my tan line. I was amazed that the guy had the courage to tell hubby he was looking down my shirt, first off, as hubby is a pretty good sized guy to be saying this to. Secondly, I was impressed w/ hubby for only telling the guy that my tan line was my business. Ten years ago he probably woulda knocked the guy out, lol!

Ok, so I can kinda get it a little bit, some guys are "boob" guys. Some are "leg" guys, some are "ass" guys and so on. I get that because, hey..guess what? Women have certain things they like to look at and admire on the opposite sex too. Personally, when I notice a man, one of the first things I notice is his eyes. I just love pretty eyes that show warmth, humor and intelligence! (That's my brain asserting itself.)  The eyes are normally followed by his hands. Are they soft and girly or strong, firm and manly? I don't want girly hands on a man! (That's the hormonal/perv side of me asserting itself) I am also a big voice person, the deeper the better! (Sam Elliot style:YUM! ((shivers)) Talk to me baby!) And yes, I do notice their overall body, especially the arms and ass. Those are the things that attract my attention when first meeting someone. But, I will say that I have never stared at any body part, other than eye contact, when carrying on a conversation with a man. (But, just maybe I have, on occasion, taken a quick picture from a distance to share w/ my like-minded perverted friends of an exceptionally fine specimen.)

But ladies, do you ever find yourself checking out a guys junk openly? When I sit here and think about it, I probably have glanced (yeah, I know I have) but I sure don't focus my attention on that area of their body for an extended period of time while trying to hold up my end of the conversation. Pretty sure if all of us women started talking to the "package" on the guys, they might get a clue...or a boner?

So...for all you "boob" guys out there...here are the rules:
#1 Looking/glancing (less than 30 seconds during a 5 minute interval) is usually OK. It can be kinda flattering, given the right circumstances.
#2 Talking to boobs instead of the woman, in a social setting is usually a no-no
#3 Talking to boobs instead of the woman, in ANY professional setting is ALWAYS a no-no!
#4 When talking to a woman you really don't know, never EVER give her the creepy eyebrow wiggle. It's just wrong!
#5 Titties is not a good word to use often...really, it isn't!
#6 Look us in the eye...trust me, it will only hurt the first time  ;)

Happy Tuesday Folks!

Parenthood & Random thoughts

When I first started driving I ended up with a flat tire one Friday night on my way to a winter dance with my friends. I had no clue at all what to do w/ a flat tire. I parked the car a couple blocks from the school, went inside, called the local chapter for Roadside assistance (Daddy) and went on my happy way to the dance. Never once thinking about how he had just gotten home from a 10 day rotary job in Michigan and that he was tired, cold and ready to be home. When the dance was over we all walked back to my car, made sure it fixed and finished up the night. How cool was that? Make a call and my problem was solved and I didn't even have to get my hands dirty. Or so I thought...

When I get home that night there is a note on the kitchen table for me. Basically my dad had ordered me an 8 am wake up and I would be at his shop in the morning, come hell or high water. When I arrived at the shop, I assumed that Dad was going to put the repaired tire on my car...man, was I deluded. I spent the next 5 hours learning how to replace a flat tire to his satisfaction. I learned how to properly and safely place and use the jack, how to remove the lug nuts and store them in the hub cap so that they wouldn't be lost. He showed me how to put the new tire on and how the lug nuts don't just get screwed on, there is a certain way they should be tightened. After about the third time I had replaced the tire, I started to whine just a bit. This was never a real good idea w/ my Dad and that day was totally the wrong day to do it. He asked me what kind of woman was I going to be? Was I going to be one of "those girls" who called a man to fix her problems all the time? Was I going to let a man handle everything in life? Or not??

At the time all I thought was "geesh, don't have a cow Dad!" But, even as a teenager, sometimes that odd lesson my parents were trying to teach me would actually sink in. I realized that Dad wasn't upset with me for calling him to repair a flat tire. I understood that he was upset w/ himself a bit for not teaching me beforehand how to handle a flat tire and upset with me for just flitting away and letting him handle the problem. I never again asked my Dad to just fix a problem. I had learned to ask him for help fixing my problems and learned a lot by his side like how to bait my own hook, remove my own fish, how to shoot both long guns and hand guns, and that sometimes 10 am is NOT to early for a cold beer! A keg needs tapped a certain way, just like lug nuts need tightened. Friends are there for you just as you are there for them, a hard days work never hurt anyone, helping someone out that needs it is never wrong, and that the best "Cure" for a hangover was pulling weeds in the garden so that all the alcohol would sweat out. (I still don't buy that one!)

I am pretty sure when my folks envisioned my future, they never imagined that I would be married at 19 and a mother at 20. When hubby and I decided to marry, they were shocked and really not sure it was such a great idea. What did Hubby and I know about being adults, having adult responsibilities, becoming parents, etc. Honestly, we didn't know shit about it, but we learned. When our oldest was born my mom was right there, peeking in the delivery room window trying to make sure it was a boy and that everyone was safe and sound. Immediately taking pictures and asking what we needed her to do so that we could bring him home in a couple days.  Dad was working in eastern Kentucky on a 24 hour pulling job. He arrived that night at the hospital to see his first grandchild, just before midnight. He counted the toes and was amazed at the amount of hair he had, gave us both a kiss and headed back to Kentucky to finish up his job. No matter what the birth certificate said, Mom christened him "Dak" and my dad christened him "Bud".

The years rolled by as they tend to do. Mom passed away just 5 short years later, never meeting our "Little guy". Dad retired and went about his life of leisure. Keeping our future Army Man several days a week while Hubby and I worked. He would take him to the coffee shop in the mornings and fishing in the afternoons after his (My dad's) nap. Years continued to fly by and Hubby and I hit our 20 year mark. Dad and I had a talk about life during one of our many medical visits. He told me how when I got married, mom and he were worried. They didn't think I had the guts to stick out the hard years, learn how to loose an argument, and how to be a good wife and mother. Now, that may sound harsh to some of you, but trust me...he was right on the money. Up until I started dating hubby, I wasn't the most responsible of children and I was a tad bit spoiled. I liked having my fun and really pouted when I couldn't. Yeah, I had a job but didn't have bills. The money I earned went for play. Buying gas and beer for road trips were my "responsibilities". Hubby on the other hand knew all about bills and responsibilities and was much more mature than I was, good thing! Dad went on to tell me how proud he was of us both. Hubby was a good man and that I had turned out to be a damn good woman and that we had raised two fine young men. That made my day. He also asked if I ever regretted not completing college and what I wanted out of the rest of my life. I told him no, I didn't regret not finishing school and that I just wanted to live life and enjoy myself (yup, I still pout when I don't get to have my "fun"), watch my kids grow up and look forward to grand kids. Dad told me that while he was very proud of me and the life I lived, he always had hoped I would go back and finish up my schooling. I argued back that I had learned more in my 15 years at my current job than I ever would have learned in school (yes, even at 39 I still had to argue). He just shrugged and agreed that I had learned my job and did it well it seemed and he let the subject drop.

Little did I realize at the time how much I was still learning from my Dad. That day is the day I learned that no matter what I want for my children, they will and should live their own lives. Just because I envisioned myself attending Army Man's graduation from College with his Veterinarian Degree, that was not the same picture he has in his head for his future. Even though we do our best to encourage our children down what we "think" will be the right path, at some point you have to step back and let them travel on their own. They have to make their mistakes, fight their own battles, fall on their face and learn to stand on their own two feet. How else are they going to know when something is absolutely RIGHT in their life? Both of my boys have made choices that I didn't particularly care for at the time but turned out to be the right choice for them. I admire my oldest for having the courage to live life his way and am pretty sure our Little Guy has learned a lot from his big brother in that regard.  They both have the stubbornness in them so that they will not be forced into a mold that doesn't fit.

To this day, when we get a different vehicle, I will take the time to learn where the jack goes, where the lug wrench and spare tire are hidden and how to take off the lug nut cover. But, I will say that when I do have a flat tire, I still call hubby because even though I know how, my little pea brain says "You have a husband, one adult male child and one almost adult male child. Changing a tire and cleaning a fish are two things you shouldn't ever have to do!"

Another little tidbit is that I have started looking at classes offered at local schools. While I have not yet made up my mind to "finish up my schooling" I have not totally ruled that option out. Even at 42 it's hard to decide what you want to be when you grow up,   ;)   Who knows? Maybe my Army Man and I will both graduate as he has decided school isn't such a bad idea afterall......

Happy Father's day to all of you "Dads" that are in my life. Each and every one of you guys rock and should ALL know that you really do make a tremendous impact on every life you touch! Thanks for being you!

Happy Father's Day in Heaven Dad...thank you so much for kicking me in the ass when I needed it. I am pretty sure I wouldn't be half of the woman I am w/out it! Love and miss you daily!

Sex in the country...part 2

When I started dating my mother sat me down and gave me the "talk". Back then, the big risk of "going all the way" was an unexpected pregnancy or a healthy crop of crabs. Sex was just starting to become lethal in the late 80's in rural America. Mom's talk consisted of "You are a gift. A gift given and a gift received. Make sure your gift means something." At the time I was soooo not wanting to have that conversation so I just mumbled something to make her go away or at the very least change the subject. Looking back I realize how very right she was. Thanks Mom! Those wise words were also followed up by the comment that if and when I decided to have sex, I should talk with her about birth control. EEEK!!!! My mind immediately flashed to the possible outcome of said conversation..... (that thought still makes me shudder!)

Flash forward 20 years and I am now the mom having the talk with my kids. We discuss the dangers of unprotected sex. Not only the unexpected pregnancy but how very dangerous it is to not use latex protection. I added on my own words of wisdom. "Every time you have sex with someone you are making the decision that this girl could be a part of your life, for the rest of your life. If she has a baby, make no mistake, she will be a part of your life, through that child, until the end of your days. Make sure you are willing to make that commitment." Not sure if my brand of wisdom really sunk in but I am pretty sure that the mortification I felt during my teen years has been successfully shared with the next generation.

So, to get back to the "story". After the dating process has gone on a while, eventually you come to the crossroads of taking that next step or breaking it off. Of course, you talk and giggle with your friends about doing "IT" or not. Discussions about how things actually happen goes on with your maybe slightly more experienced friends and the decision is made one way or the other. But...eventually you meet someone you want to take that ultimate step with. My lord...don't you just remember how mixed your emotions were? You really liked the guy but were scared. You really wanted to but really worried about the pain factor. Would it hurt? Would anyone know? Will I look different? Will I walk different? All those questions and a million more run through your head. You plan for your "big night" just like you did for the first date. What to wear? Where to go? Do I provide the protection or does he? Will Mom notice if I buy new underwear for the big night? Will she be able to look at me and just KNOW????? OMG!! What if DAD finds out???? And on and on and on.

The big night comes and goes with all the awkwardness we remember. Of course the next day you sheepishly leave home at the first opportunity to get together with the girls and talk it ALL through. Huh, how confusing was THAT? Everyone has their own story about their first time and everyone had their own reaction to the big deed. Reactions ranged from "OMG it HURT!" to "What's the big deal?" to "I can't wait to try it again!" And the questions "Do I look different?", "Am I walking funny?", "What did he look like naked?", etc. We worried endlessly that he would tell his friends (like you JUST did) and that EVERYONE would soon know. Then comes the terrifying moment when you actually see HIM again. Boy, the comfort level you thought you had with this special guy is totally gone on that first meeting following that night. It takes a little while to feel like you know him as well as you did prior to the deed. And, sadly, eventually your "first" probably goes by the way side like the other first date guys have done. You always remember him and that night, either fondly, with mild embarrassment or just plain horror.

Now, you are an experienced woman of the world, right? SNORT! You start this whole process over again with new guys, on new first dates. But it seemed like that crossroads was much easier to get to once you initially made that decision, didn't it? Guys were quicker to press the issue if they knew you were no longer a virgin. The dance that used to end w/ the deep sigh and "ok" were quicker to end in a "why not?!?" Which usually ended the relationship for me, to be honest. I didn't like being pressured then and to this day I still don't like people pressing me for something I don't want to do. :)

Now that you are older and wiser you start to notice a little more about the guys/men around you. You look at them differently than just deciding that they are "cute". And then, at some point, you discover "Chemistry"!
Ladies, do you remember the first time you actually felt "chemistry" with a guy? I do, and I remember that guy very fondly to this day. I was set up on a blind date by one of my best friends. Her brother's buddy was home from college (YES! A college guy!! How AWESOME was that??) and he thought I was cute and wanted to be set up with me.

That blind date was my first experience with instant attraction. We met up for dinner and a movie and ZING! That first eye contact sent all the hairs on my arms straight up and the butterfly's were just a fluttering in my belly. My first thought was that I was getting sick, to be honest. Tummy was rumbly, knees were a bit weak, a light sweat on my forehead. We head out for our dinner and as we get to know each other we realize that we have a lot in common. Similar sense of humor, liked the same stuff, etc. We hit it off at once, besides the whole instant attraction thing. It seems like steps 1-5 on the old comfort meter just zoom by and by the end of the dinner I am really having fun and ready for a movie. As we walk to his car to head to the movies, he held my hand. Damn, did lightning just strike my palm? WOW! We got to the movies and if that wasn't sweet torture I don't know what was. Sitting next to this guy who just seems to draw you like a magnet. I have to admit, I don't remember what movie we watched that night as I couldn't concentrate at all. After the movie we go for a drive before he takes me home. We talk a lot and not just the normal HS talking. Life, ambitions, etc. Really, as I look back, this date made me become more of an adult when it comes to the oppisite sex than any other. I realized that there was much more to men than cute or not, popular or not, and nice car or not. When he took me home I was, I have to admit, disappointed. I wasn't ready for the night to be over at all. Damn curfew! I popped in to say I was home and that we were going to sit on the dock for a while and talk, which we did, for hours! Dad finally comes out and tells him that it's REALLY time for me to come in and for him to GO HOME! We part ways with our first/last kiss and good-bye. He has to head back to school the next day so no future dates are planned. Through the next couple of weeks we talk on the phone a bit but never did go out again or see each other again. As life has went on I still occasionally meet those people that I instantly connect with. Some of these people I just meet once and most of the others have become some of my dearest friends.

After that memorable night, I didn't date for a long time. I wasn't heart broken or anything, I just learned that I wanted MORE from a guy than cute/popular. I wanted to find someone who I could talk with, laugh with, plan with, dream with, and who gave me the ZING! That really wasn't all that easy to find in our little small town. About half way through my Senior year, I met a guy who provided all that. And of course, being the stupid 17/18 year old that I was, it scared the shit outta me. I broke it off with him right before senior prom as I felt I wasn't ready for that type of serious relationship. All of his friends and mine were upset w/ me because they felt I had broken his heart. Little did they know that I was hurting just as much but wasn't going to admit that I had made a mistake. I spent the next 6 months partying it up and enjoying the just graduated HS freedom. College was just around the corner and I was excited and mostly having a blast as every 18 year old should.  Then we bump into each other again and I decide I want him back. (Yeah, pretty shitty of me, huh?) I have to admit, he made me work pretty damn hard at winning him back. Right before I started classes at OCC we got together again. I am thrilled and happy to say that almost 24 years later, we are the parents of two wonderful kids and that we still talk, laugh, dream, and plan together.

When I originally started this topic, I had a whole other direction in mind about where I was going with it. My "topic" was going to be about being married, having kids, and what happens when it just doesn't work out. I wrote and wrote about how I think people should behave once a divorce happens. I was being a fairly judgemental bitch to be honest. While I do have thoughts about this topic, I am not sure I should throw them all out there. I have never been divorced so who am I to say? But, a few comments I am comfortable making are these: a) if you aren't happy in your marriage, end it if you can't work through the issues. Staying married "for the kids" just ain't a good plan. b) The kids should never be put in the middle or have to take second to what you want to do. c) You are a parent until the day you die. You can't divorce your kids. Live up to the commitment you made when you had the kids.

Anyway, that's my tale of Sex in the Country! Happy Monday Folks!