Tomorrow would have been my mothers 75th birthday. Is it possible she has been gone almost 19 years already? I shake my head in dismay when I stop and realize all of the things I wasn't able to share with her. I wonder what our relationship would be like now. Would she like the woman I have become? Would she still give me a verbal kick in the ass if I was feeling sorry for myself? Would we still butt heads like two strong women sometimes do? (I kinda think 'yes' to all of these!)
The day we realized mom just wasn't going to make it is forever etched in my mind. Every minute of that day still seems like it was yesterday. The last words she said to Phillip and I, I can still hear echoing through my head. To me she said "Oh, my poor sweet baby" while kissing my hand. And to Phillip "You WILL take care of my baby, ALWAYS." I think I will always be able to 'hear' those words and for that I am grateful. She was a strong woman who made it a point to talk to each of us during those final hours. She always had the last word, even then.
One regret I have is that she never had the chance to see what/who I would become or really get to know me as an adult. Maybe she had an inkling I would turn out to be at least an okay human being? I sure would like to think so. I was 25 when mom died. Damn, that's young ain't it? When I look back at that time I realize that even though I was married and had a child, I was still a kid in so many ways. The advice she gave that I resented, the tips and criticisms that sometimes felt hateful, really weren't, they were guidance. The swat on the ass she may have gave my young Army man when he was being a shit head wasn't a reflection on me like I assumed at the time, it was because the kid needed a swat on his ass! My youngest was born 11 months after mom died. If I had $1 for every time I picked up the phone the next year after his birth to call her and brag, ask for advice, or just to vent, I probably could have retired at 27. The older I get and the older my children get, the more of her good parts (that I was to silly to see as good) I see in myself... That's not me bragging, just me being my brutally honest self.
I learned about pain when my mom died. With dad, I learned even more about pain, but I also learned about compassion and making time for what counts in life. Dad often said "do it when you can, not when you think you should" He expressed his regrets that he and mom put off plans for their retirement. As I watched him slowly decline while fighting with everything he had I learned how important it is to just have someone hold your hand and speak of comfort. I also learned that a good day fishing is worth the dirty nails, a cold beer can't really hurt anything...even at 10 am, and being true to yourself and speaking your mind won't cost you your REAL friends. Man, I could go on for pages and pages of what I learned from him. Actually, from both, but to be 100% honest, I was to young and immature to realize and treasure all the lessons learned from mom.
I love spring, but it sure does bring it all crashing back for some reason. Folks, hug your parents, take them out for dinner and spend time with them at every opportunity. Yeah, they will always give unsolicited advice, dig into your personal life, gripe at you for this that or the other, but it's all done with love. I really don't mean to preach... I just realize what I miss. I miss my Dad and Mom. Everything about them, good and bad.
Being an orphan really fucking sucks!
