Dream Issues....

I have always been blessed (or cursed?) with very vivid dreams and I can always remember the details. I tell people about my dreams sometimes and occasionally I get the "hmmm, is she nuts?" look. I don't think I am really nuts, I think I have a very vivid imagination and that my subconscious releases some pent up creativity and stress as needed for my sanity.

When I was young and innocent my good dreams always centered around the things I found most fun, entertaining, guys that were "cute", and people who cared for me. My bad dreams ALWAYS consisted of snakes, spiders and Santa Clause trying to kill me. (I can thank my brother for the Santa dreams!) To this day 2 of the three are still a big phobias for me.

I lost my mom when I was 25 years old. At that point my dreams shifted a bit. My bad dreams still held the spiders, snakes and occasional holiday figure, but they also grew to include the fear of being right THERE but unable to help someone who needed it. Ain't hard to figure out some of my personality traits now, is it? While mom and I had a somewhat rocky relationship as I was growing up, by the time I married and had my first son, we had grown to understand each other a bit more and just at the time we were finally working toward becoming "friends" like my friends had talked about being with their mom, she passed away. I wonder what she would think of the woman I am now? My dreams of her tell me she is proud of me, the life I live and the children I am raising/have raised. Let's hope that is the case.

When Dad was first diagnosed with Lung Cancer, the doctors were not very optimistic. Well, he showed them who was boss. Eleven months after the initial diagnosis he was cancer free. We had about 13 months before he started having stomach aches which proceeded his pancreatic cancer diagnosis. I was floored by this. Hadn't we already beat the beast once? Why, Why, WHY??? It just didn't seem fair for him, or me, to be honest and possibly sound selfish, to have to go through this hell once again. But, what do ya do? You suck it up, and as an admirable woman named Patty says "You put on your big girl panties" and get to work. Dad worked his butt off until last November, when we lost him.

Anyway, my dad has been on my mind a lot the past couple weeks. Maybe because Spring is here and that was his favorite time of the year. I am mowing, mushroom hunting, fishing, and getting my flip flop tan line that he always chuckled about, just like every Spring. May is quickly approaching and for the last few years I would always take a week of vacation so that Dad and I could go catch Blue Gill and Crappie out at "Pete's". (I wonder if the owners would let me come fishing there?) But anyway, whatever the reason behind it, my memories were fresh, my heart is raw, and the pain of not having him had become almost intolerable.

Sorry, I am rambling a bit, bear with me, I am getting to the point.

While dad was having treatment I would have a recurring dream. In the dream my cell phone was an alarm and when Kid Rock's "All Summer Long" song came out, we would have to go fight the bad guys. During a nights dream we would go fight several times and win. But, the last "fight" of every dream always started out with that ever annoying "Kung Fu Fighting" song. (by the way, dad and I were characters from Kung Fu Panda in these dreams). When this particular alarm went off in the dream Dad (panda) would always tell me to stay here...he would take care of the bad guy and then the dream was over. I would wake from these dreams somewhat confused and usually a LOT upset. I felt like they were preparing me for what was to come and what I wasn't ready to face.

I was mowing the farm Monday and almost dumped the mower in the pond. After I saved myself and the mower from an untimely dip in the cold water, I started shaking and crying and had to stop the mower. I could just hear my dad telling me about paying attention and watching where I was going, as he had several times in the past. The funny thing is, dad usually dumped his mower into his pond at least once a year! I am not sure exactly what finally triggered the breakdown I shoulda had months ago, but boy, did I break down!

Last night my recurring dream returned, but with a twist. Dad and I were doing our bad guy fighting, just like always. When the final fight (still that stinking Kung Fu Fighting song) came up, Dad once again told me to stay put while he went to fight. The twist was, the dream didn't stop at that point like it had before. Last night, I waited at the curb and Dad came back to the car (always the Green Camero) and he was DAD, not panda. He opens the door up and tells me that the fight is over, that he is going to stay there and have a beer with mom and that I should get home to my family. He walks away with a wave and a smile and I go home to my family.

I woke up today with tears still falling but a much lighter heart. Pretty sure paying a counselor isn't going to be needed, at least for a while yet. 

Road Trip!

Hubby and I have a rule that is supreme in our marriage: At least once a month we will have date night. No kids, no other couples, just us. The calendar is marked every January for the entire year and we both arrange our schedules by this one night a month. It is sacred and the only thing that ever interferes is sickness or a death in the family.

Last night was Date night. We started the night out with the typical conversation of "Where we goin?" After some discussion we ended up at the Muddy Saloon. We have been to the Muddy several times in the past to have a drink or three but have never ate there. We finally managed to get in there before the kitchen closed last night so we had dinner. If you haven't had the chance to eat there yet, I would put it on your list. Our waitress, Mallory, did a very good job. She was friendly, efficient, and kept my Lime-A-Rita glass full. As Phillip was driving he stuck w/ only one screwdriver. We are responsible like that!  The band hadn't even set up yet, so the atmosphere was nice. Quiet enough we could chat but loud enough that the tables around us couldn't hear all of my comments which, as you can imagine, maybe got more ornery as the night went on.

We get our bill and Hubby tells Mallory to bring us a six pack of Lime-A-Ritas, a straw, a large GO cup w/ ice and a large GO cup of Soda. I must have had a confused look on my face because he says we are going road tripping. Now, I should tell you that my alcohol tolerance isn't what it used to be. I can drink Cherry Jack rum like it's water but if you get me started on the Lime or Strawberry rita's, I get plum goofy! Two of them and I am buzzed, at three or 4 I get the giggles and at 5 I start singing (which is not nearly as funny as you might think because I can't sing for shit!) At 8+ I am pretty useless. Anyway, at hubby's announcement of a road trip I had to giggle because a) I was half buzzed already and that just makes me giggle and b) all day I had been thinking that a road trip would be just the ticket for the night. Wahooo, adventure time!

A few things you should know before the adventure really gets started. Hubby and I know Southern Jasper County fairly well as we live there. We know the North Eastern part of JC because we have good friends that own property and/or live up that way. We don't know jack about Western or North Western Jasper county! This was truly going to be fun because we only knew 2 ways to even get to the Muddy. Another thing you should know is that you will hardly EVER get me turned around on my directions. I am a human compass. Hubby on the other hand gets very easily turned around in JC.

Sooo, we pull out of the parking lot and head west. We learn w/in 5 minutes that "Dead End" or "No Outlet" signs are not used in this part of the world. We are putting along this paved road and all of a sudden its a grass lane. So we do the three point turn and head back the other way. At the first cross road we turn left. We meander up this road for a while and hubby says "is that the Muddy on the right?" As I am on my 3rd 'rita for the night I giggle like a loon and inform him NOOO, that's Wheeler! He doesn't believe me until a half a mile later when we come up on the highway. "Huh" is his response to my continued laughter. We head east on the highway until we hit downtown Wheeler and take a left at the Muddy road and head north.

We drive around up in this area for a long time, just talking, laughing and occasionally listening to the ipod. Up and down, back and forth we travel. We think we are getting close to Gila. As neither one of us has ever actually been there, we decide to look for it. Suffice it to say we didn't find it (that we know of anyway). Although I do think we found the place that our son called "N*gg*r Hill" but I am not sure? Is there a lighted cross up there? At this point we are driving west and hubby says "we should be hitting Apple Shed road soon, shouldn't we?" I know, I am a bitch, but I had to laugh again. Nope...not even close!

About this time, I had to pee. Being prepared as always, I grab my napkins out of the door and hop out. WHOOPSIES! We are in the BIG truck! I totally missed hitting the running board and hit the wet grass. Down on my ass I went! I giggle, snort and stand back up, Hubby is doing the head shake and chuckle he does when I am in full on Suzi Mode. I make my way toward the back of the truck to take care of business. Man, I haven't done this in a while! I undo my shorts and grab the hitch to hang on to. My lord...was that shotgun explosion my knees popping?? It sure seems like a long way down to get into proper peeing position. Business gets taken care of and I stand back up quickly. Uhhh, maybe a bit TOO quickly...my head is spinning! I grab the tailgate to steady myself and look behind me. SHIT...headlights coming...I wobble back to my side of the truck and try to climb in. It woulda been easier if I had remembered to button my shorts again so they wouldn't fall down as I wobbled. Pull the shorts back up and BUTTON them and away we go. By the way, the headlights weren't actually headlights, it was a farm w/ pole lights...LMAO!

By this time my 6th rita is in my Go cup and we are having a blast. We continue our journey and hubby mentions that maybe this isn't the best area to be wondering around in as we don't know it and the water is out just about everywhere. (Remember, he isn't drinking anything but soda so he is, of course, the rational one). I suggest turning on the GPS so that we know where the river is. Hell, I thought it was a good plan! He then gently reminded me that the GPS would only show where the river is SUPPOSED to be, not where the flood waters actually WERE. Hrumph, he got me there, didn't he? It's his turn to laugh at me..which he does in a much nicer way than I do. It's probably a good thing I don't drive when I am drinking!

We make it back up to the highway. Now, while I am a human compass and always know which direction we are traveling, no matter how much I drink, my judgement of distances traveled ain't so hot. I figure we will come up close to the Bagota (sp?) road. Nope, we are still west of Lis. We cross back into "our" part of the county and travel some back roads for a while, ever so slowly going east and south toward home. We come up on buckgrove road and hubby asks me "Just how drunk are you?". I take a moment to contemplate the answer then it dawns on me...he is asking for a reason. You see, hubby knows that there is a very fine line w/ me between just drunk enough and way to drunk to actually participate in any planned activities. He also knows where that line is w/out asking as he has seen it crossed many many times. I think that must have been a gentle reminder of where I was in relation to the "Line". I take another sip or two, just out of oneryness and tell him I "GOOOOOOOOOD" ;-)

We make it home, another successful date night almost in the books. I have to admit, I look forward to our monthly night where we aren't Mom and Dad, co-workers, bosses, employees, or anything but just Hubby and Suzi. We have been married over 22 years now and still can make each other laugh, still find lots of things to talk about, and can still call each other a friend as well as a lover and spouse. While no marriage is perfect and every marriage takes work, I think we do pretty good. We have had our bumps, don't get me wrong. But I will say that once we instituted date night, roughly 7 years ago, our bumps and valleys have been fewer and farther between.

By the way, we were home from our adventure by 10:30 pm.....LOL! Yup, we are old! Happy Sunday folks. Take a moment to enjoy your friend/spouse/significant other for just who they are!

Wiener Troubles

We have been having some trouble with the wieners barking all night so a while ago I bought one anti-barking collar. Thor was the worst offender so he was the first one to get to wear it. After about two hours he had things figured out through trial and error on his part. The other two were very interested in the black box hanging around his neck. They also realized that if they went up to him and pulled on the box he would bark then yelp. They seemed to find this highly amusing. After one quiet night, we removed the collar and put it up. A few days later Dirk started in. We decided he was next as he took over Thorton's spot on the bark-O-meter. While he is the youngest, I have to admit he is the smartest. He usually figures things out pretty quick and has been the easiest to train. With the collar on (we only put it on at night when it's time for bed and then remove it first thing in the morning) he didn't bark once. In fact, he managed to get the collar off and had it hid in the living room behind a decorative kettle. We looked almost everywhere for it for a week but didn't have any luck. The past few nights Katie has been keeping us up all night barking at the rabbits in the yard. In a fit of sleepless frustration, I tore the house apart and finally found it. Dirk was watching the whole time, seeming to smile a cocky little dog grin at me. We put the collar on Katie last night and immediately Dirk starts barking and pouncing at her trying to get her riled up. He is such a shit stirrer. Katie, being the only female, is usually the BOSS. She has made it her job to keep the other two in line. If they break a rule she kicks their butt. If they are playing with a toy she wants, it's hers. And god forbid anyone of the dogs get wet! Katie really seems to have issues about other dogs being wet. So anyway...Dirk somehow knows that the collar + barking = a mild shock for Katie. Katie is walking around the house backward, shaking her whole body and trying to take the collar off and Dirk is doing everything in his power to get her to bark. Thor is hiding under a blanket because he remembers the collar. Everyone goes to bed except Katie. She comes in and gives me an eat shit look and goes over to Phillip to try to make him take it off. It doesn't work so she goes and sleeps on the sofa in a pouting fit. Now remember...so far, Thorton is the only one who has actually barked while wearing this collar so he is the only one that really knows what will happen when you do. Phillip's alarm goes off and the dogs line up at the door like good little wieners. Katie hadn't barked all night and we finally got a good nights sleep. Phillip stumbles to his coffee pot and lets the dogs out w/out thinking. Katie runs out the door and immediately spots a rabbit. Bark Bark Bark, silence. I look outside and see Katie sitting on the patio chair looking down at the other two. Thor has his head cocked in pity and Dirk is literally doing the doggie chuckle while rolling underneath her chair. Really, if you haven't been around wiener dogs, then you don't know this but they almost talk with their grumbles and chuckles. It's pretty cool how well they communicate w/ out barking. But, to continue the tale,  Katie sees me at the door and with a very snotty attitude comes to me and grumbles at me while pawing my leg. I remove the collar so she can go play and chase the rabbits. She runs back out the door, happily barking and immediately rolls Dirk across the yard. For the next several minutes, Dirk is not allowed to stand up for more than 2 seconds as Katie would continually roll him across the wet, dew soaked grass. Thorton is back in the house watching this lesson take place from behind the patio door. He goes and gets his blanket and makes a little hut for himself (that's his way of coping) so that he can watch Dirk's discipline. It's time to come in so through the door they both run. Katie then realizes that Dirk is WET! OH NO, not in her house! The running and yipping laps start...through the kitchen, down the hall, around the utility room, back up the hall, through the living room, into our room. Dirk jumps into the bathtub to get away from her psycho stalking. Katie drags her bed to the bathroom to wait....  Moral of the story: make no mistake, a female will get even.

Nature vs. Nurture?

With the bombing in Boston this week it seems we are back on the viscous roller coaster of blame. It's the Internets fault, the bomb making instructions are right there. It's the guns fault not the one pulling the trigger. It's the pressure cookers fault, because you can just buy them on the shelf. It's the parents fault because they raised the terrorist. At what point to we just realize that the world is kinda fucked up and that monsters live among us.

Are monsters made or are they born? I personally think both. I saw a Facebook post that hit me wrong. While I actually like the person that posted this and have enjoyed their company when around them, I took issue with their opinion. Yes, I know...they are entitled to their opinion just the same as I am and I am not disputing this in anyway. What really bothered me is the possibility that many who are in that generation would agree with what was stated. True, new generation = new ideas..I totally get that and embrace that, usually. Maybe I am starting to show my age a bit, but some of the ideas I hear out of our future leaders scare me just a bit.

The post stated "if crazy, unstable people would just stop making babies then this world would be better. we wouldn't have to worry about guns and bombs being used for the wrong reasons. i just can't get over how worthless people are. so sad!"

The whole tone of the post bothered me on many levels. #1 being that "crazy, unstable" people shouldn't have kids. Aren't each and every one of us crazy or unstable in someones eyes? Who should assume the responsibility of deciding who can have kids and who can't? I personally have had my own battles w/ anxiety and depression. (as most adults have). Does that mean I shouldn't have had my kids? Does that mean my boys are more likely to go out and do something awful? I don't think so. Mental illness isn't always an excuse for a person's actions but on the other hand it isn't a tool that should be used against you either. Should I have been sterilized because I have had battles with my demons? Is that what things may come to? If so then all I can say is YIKES! If I follow the posters thinking then the world would be a better place without my children and call me crazy/unstable, I just don't believe that. If you are fortunate enough to know my children, than you know that all in all they make the world around them a better place, either by their honor, humor, dignity or innate kindness.

Number 2 that bothered me is the perpetual blame that is placed on parents. At what point does it stop being the parents fault? Yes, there are some sick and fucked up parents out there. And yes, some of the messed up parents have incredibly messed up kids. I agree totally with that assumption. On the other hand there are very good people whose children have become monsters. At what point does the "child" have to take responsibility for their own actions? I believe that most of us are born with the ability to know right from wrong. While our childhood may tarnish those ingrained instincts, they are still there and it is up to us what we choose to do, right or wrong. Every one of us has the capability of being a monster. Fortunately, 99% of us choose not to be one.

The whole nature vs nurture thing just doesn't sit well with me. Could you take a person that was born "good" and turn them into a monster? Yeah, you could. Can you take a person that was born "evil" and change them? Honestly, I don't know, but my gut says no.

The last thing that bothered me was the closing remark that said "i can't get over how worthless people are". That one made me snort. While there ARE worthless people in the world, again I tend to think that 99% of us are pretty good overall. When we watched the coverage of the Boston bombings, we saw people who were running toward the site to help. Same thing w/ the twin towers, pentagon, etc. Society as a whole is not comprised of worthless people. The cynicism really is upsetting to me coming from such a young person. Yes, our kids have been exposed to more senseless murder and terrorism than we ever were, but they have also seen an amazing number of unsung heroes who just do what they can to help.

Happy Wednesday folks!  

Underwear, schmunderwear

What ever happened to just going out and buying a 12 pack of underwear from walmart? You could pick from your favorite super hero, pretty pink butterflies, flowers or rainbows. Life was simple and underwear was easy! Shit, I know what happened...I grew up!

As Victoria's Secret was so kind as to send me a gift card for my birthday, I went underwear shopping. I will admit, I have always been a bikini style underwear buyer. Those just seem to work well for me, none of the dreaded crack crawlers, butt floss, or granny panties. When I walk in to VS I normally go straight to "my drawer" and grab what will match my bras. Yes, I am kinda anal about that...my panties must match my bras. Anyway, as my 42nd birthday rapidly approaches, my mind said.."hmmm, maybe you should try something else out?" Stupid mind...

So I browse. Brief's, boy cut, bikini, string bikini, cheeky, thongs, etc. Words on my ass or not? In glitter or just print? All lace? No lace?  So MANY choices, how on earth can you choose? After deciding to be adventurous I grab some new styles and check out. I take my new pretty's home, wash them up and try them out...

Boy Cut? Hmmm, my first thought is that I must have them on backward. So I do the ole switcheroo. Nope, had them right the first time. UGH, really?? Not very comfy at all. The seam running up my crack doesn't feel very good at all and makes me rethink the thong briefly. After I wear them I decide that these were probably wasted money. My body just doesn't seem built right for this trend!

Cheeky? Uhhh, wow...not much left to imagine back there. If my ass was almost 22 instead of 42, these actually wouldn't be all bad and maybe even a new style for me. They were fairly comfy and considering how they looked, the whole crack crawl wasn't an issue. Better than the boy cut, but maybe I am a touch bit old for these? Can you be too old for an underwear style? What if I am in a car wreck and the nurses in the ER laugh at me?

Lace? Not too bad they fit just like regular bikini panties but are pretty much see through. I had decided that these are a NO due to my modesty issues. Then it dawns on me: " I don't parade around in just my undies! No one will see them except me, hubby and maybe the occasional Doctor or drinking buddy!"  Yeah, these might work for "special" occasions (like when Hubby is gonna get lucky).

Imprinted w/ Words? While the fit isn't all bad, do I really need "Juicy" or "Hot" written on my ass? I think a plain old "Yes" or "No" would probably work just as good, if I am going to advertise on my undies. Again, my age factors into this as well as the horror of realizing my son may do a load of laundry and find my "Juicy" ass undies and that could scar him for life!

Thong...bahahahahahahaha!  I have tried a thong several times...from the age of 20 up until my latest underwear adventure. I just don't get it. Maybe I should be more worried about a pantyline than I am. I just don't think having a string up my crack is all that beneficial. I think me digging at myself trying to make my bum more comfy is way less attractive than you being able to see my underwear line. Nope! Sorry Hubby, you will just have to like the thongs on TV!

Ahhh, my old friend...the classic Bikini style. Why did I ever consider anything else? Nice fit, good and comfy, they don't creep where they shouldn't, and they are as sexy as they need to be. They cover what I feel needs covered, you can't see through them, a nurse probably won't laugh at them, and they won't freak out a child who may do a load of laundry.

So my thought for the day is this... Is change necessary? Sometimes, but if it fits, it is comfy and works, why change? Do you have to try new things out to realize what you already have works the best? Maybe, but you should try new things judiciously and not throw out the old just because something shiny catches your eye. Because it could turn out to be a pain in your ass that you are stuck with because you threw out old reliable. Is dressing up what you know works sometimes a good idea? Of course it is! Duh!

Am I talking about my underwear or am I speaking life lessons? You decide.  Happy Bikini Thursday folks!

The chick in the hat(s).......

Another day filled with hats. Not the ones that continually cover up my bad hair days, but the metaphorical hats we all wear everyday. Have you ever really thought about all the different hats you wear on a daily basis? For some reason, this has been on my mind a lot the past few days. Here are just a few "hats" from my life:

The MOM hat...you put it on when you give birth and you NEVER take it off. That is just the way it is. Whether you are praising your children, giving them the hell they may need, encouraging them in their endeavors, cautioning them against jumping off a bridge w/out looking, applying a band-aid to the butt crack burn from launching bottle rockets from said area, or teaching the little shits how to keep the truck out of the ditch (or how to get it OUT of the ditch). It becomes a permanent fixture, just like your eye color. You couldn't pry the mom hat off of me no matter what. It is also the most gratifying hat I have.

The WIFE hat...while this hat is not a permanent fixture for some, it is for me. My husband is my best friend. He has seen the good, bad, crazy, and hormonal Suzi and still keeps on walking with me. Whether we are bitching about bills, going on a date night, working side by side, arguing over political issues, holding hands as we fall asleep, flirting and fighting, laughing and playing, he is why I do what I do. I will admit that this hat is sometimes paired up with a "BITCHY" hat, an "OMG!!" hat, a "REALLY?" hat or a many other variations of the same. This hat is what keeps my head on straight and keeps me going in the right way on a day by day basis and I am grateful for it.

The FRIEND hat...this one is also firmly in place. My friends are my family. We laugh, cry, stumble, argue, commiserate, drink and hold each other up when needed. I try to be whatever I need to be to fulfill my friend duty. We grow and change and our friends grow and change, but I would like to think that a friend is always there. Please, don't ever confuse a "friend" with a "casual friend" or with an "acquaintance". Those are not the same in my book. If I hug you, if I tell you my problems, if you have seen me cry more than once, if I reach out for you when I am hurting or scared, if I ask you for your help in my darkest times, if I expose all the bad parts of me knowing that you won't care one way or the other, then you are a friend. Good or bad, you are stuck with me.

The SISTER hat...I feel that I need to rotate this one up towards the top more than I do. My brother is pretty awesome and he really watches out for his little sister. He has no idea of how much I value him as my brother and respect him for the man he is. I often wonder if he knows that he can turn to me for help whenever he needs it? I sure hope so....more and more everyday....

The WORK hat...Believe it or not, I do have a professional side, but it's kinda hard for me to maintain this persona away from my job or for extended periods of time. It is probably best that I work in an office by myself over half the time. This hat is the most easily removed, although it never makes it onto a hat rack. It's usually on the bar or bathroom vanity ready to be put back on at any moment.

The HELPER hat...is sometimes the most difficult and heart breaking to wear but is also one of the easiest to take off and put back on, which we all do several times a day. Even if we don't realize it. While we may not all show this "hat" to those around us, when it is not on our head, most of us have it in our hand ready to whip it back where it belongs.

When I stop and think about all the different Hats I wear everyday, sometimes it freaks me out. And really, those listed above don't come close to touching each role we all play daily. I like to think I am pretty good at putting all of these on and that I wear them comfortably. Some days, I will admit, one or two of the above hats may not get all they deserve but I do my best. During my dad's final days, all these hats got mighty heavy and to be honest, sometimes pretty awkward to balance. There were times that I just didn't think I could take one more step with so many on my head. But when I tried to take one or two of them off so I could just have a "Suzi" moment I realized something. Everyone of these hats make me who I am.

I believe that I am a better person because I have so many hats to wear. I am usually a good mom. My kids know they can lean on me whenever they need to and that I am there for them. I am a good wife. Although some might consider me a handful, I don't think Phillip would trade me in, at least not 5 days out of 7. All the rest of the hats I have fulfill something in me that I need and hopefully give those around me something they need in their lives. And really...who couldn't use a little more Suzi in their lives?? Anyway, that is my introspective peek at myself for today...Have a happy Wednesday.