3 am

It's 3 AM.
Again.

I'm watching you sleep and all I can do is wonder why. Why am I watching you sleep? Why are you the one who had to be stricken, not once, not twice but three times? Why do you fight so very hard? Why does this happen to honest to God GOOD people? Why can't just the assholes of the world be the ones who suffer?

I know we aren't supposed to ask those questions, but how can I help it? I see the care your family provides you, in the gentle touches and feather light kisses on your forehead, their love shows in every moment and in every movement. YOU taught them this. You taught them to love their family above all else. To be strong and tackle whatever is thrown at you with faith, love and courage. I have to say, you taught them well and I know you are proud.

Your brother sits beside me, dozing when he can. Your husband is not so gently snoring beside you, worry still lining his face. Your kids are here, all over the house, sleeping wherever they can find a spot and cuddled up with your grandchildren. They're teaching their kids the same lessons you've taught them, even though they may not realize that their kids are learning from this also.

I can't help but think about times we have spent together. How, at one time, we really weren't as close as we are now. How through the years all that changed. We grew to like, respect and love each other as sisters. I regret not telling you directly how much I truly admire you. I've said it in writing several times, but never straight from my mouth to your ears. I am thankful for the trust you placed in me during your battles. I've learned so much from you over the years and I am thankful for those lessons.

In writing this, I'm starting to be able answer my whys. I'm watching you sleep because I love you. You were stricken to teach those of us by your side courage, grace and strength. You fight so hard because that's just you and always has been.

As I go through the night, folding laundry, straightening up your kitchen and tending to your needs, I pray. Even while questioning God's plan, I pray for you to find peace. I pray for comfort for your family. I pray they are able to heal when you find your peace. I pray I never have to be as strong as you.


I pray for you, with love, respect and tears, I pray.