When I sit back and look at my life over this past year, one thing that stands out to me is how much my life has changed. Sometimes, my head just reels when I ponder this. Some of the changes are very good, some are just life and some are maybe not so good.
I have come to realize that without my friends and family, I would have probably comepletely lost myself in the midst of all this change. For the most part, I am still me..just a slightly different version. I have found myself slowly weeding out the shit in my life that gives me a stomach ache. It's just not worth my happiness to worry about how "everyone" percieves me. I am me, take me and love me for who and what I am or walk away and leave me. The choice is yours.
When Dad died, I realized pretty darn quickly how much my friends mean to me and even how much I probably mean to them. Whether you came to sit on my kitchen floor with me to comfort me me because I was too out of it to grab a chair, or you brought me a "Mary Prayer" bracelet that was just perfect, or you brought a bottle of booze to share with a hug and a sympathetic ear. Maybe you agreed with me that being COMPLETELY PISSED OFF was really okay, and probably you took time out of your professional life to help me weed through all of the beuracratic nonsense that follows a death. My friends (female and male alike) were right there for me and I know that they always will be. Today, I thank you for that. Each and everyone of you (and I think you all know who you are) made me feel loved, protected, and supported. For that I am grateful and want you to all know that you each hold a special place in my heart.
I also finally learned that I don't have to be strong all the time. No one is going to look down on me for showing how much I hurt and that leaning on others is what it's all about. Saying "Help" doesn't constitute weakness at all. For several years I attempted to be Super Suzi. My thinking was "Do it yourself, don't ask for help, just suck it up and do it!" I realize now how many people I let down by trying to do it all. To those closest to me, mainly hubby and my boys, I will say that I am sorry for putting you "in line" with all my other duties and I will say Thank you for not giving up on me. Stubborn pride will get the best of folks sometimes, it sure did me.
I have also realized that I just can't fix everything. Yeah, I know that sounds cocky but I am naturally someone who wants to make peoples problems go away. Sometimes you just can't do that, all you can do is be there to listen, hug, support and occasionally take them out to get drunk and put the problem on the back burner for a couple hours. Maybe, sometimes the best fix for those close to me is just being me. Wow, that's kinda scary to think about, huh?
Some of you may be a little surprised by this next change, but if you're surprised then you probably only know the "Surface Suzi" and not the "Complete Suzi". I have actually become a lot more outspoken when it comes to standing up for me. Used to be when somone would say or do something that hurt my feelings, I would joke it off and let it go. I have always wanted to be a people pleaser so I would tell myself "he/she really didn't mean that" or "they are just trying to be funny". Yeah, I use snarky sarcasm a lot, but mostly that is just me and my humor, I rarely make it personal. I haven't always stood up for myself and what I need. My feelings, wants and needs were usually pushed to the side so as not to rock the boat. I find myself not doing that so much anymore. While I still won't start an argument, if you are out of line I am going to call you on it. It may be somthing so simple as saying "Ouch" if you are being mean (intentionally or not) to me or it may turn into a screaming tirade that you are completely unprepared for. (Little Guy thinks those are funny when not directed at him) I think part of this may be 42 year old hormones but part of it is also long overdue.
I had a few plans and dreams in my head that I have had to finally let go of and boy, let me assure you, that hurt! Some people say "Never give up on your dreams". That's cool and all but sometimes you just have to admit to yourself what is realistic and realize that maybe holding onto that dream is causing more harm than good. But once I accepted that what I wanted to happen wasn't going to happen, I was shocked at how many other ideas came up. I was also plesantly surprised that my six month long stomach ache had pretty much disappeared. Little Guy and I had a conversation about this. He said to me "I am sorry you have to go through this..I can see how hard this was for you". Out of the mouths of babes comes a true reality check. I won't go into details about the dream I had to let go, partly because it is still pretty painful and raw and partly because you, dear reader, don't need to know ALL of my deep, dark secrets. I am thrilled with the ideas and thoughts that are now bouncing around in my slightly warped mind. They fill me with excitement, not acid reflux! Even if they never reach fulfillment, they are there for me to go after. And I am!
My OCD tendencies have also waned a bit. I no longer have a complete meltdown if something doesn't go as I think it should. While I still have my "psycho" moments, they are fewer and further apart. I still haven't given up on my "lists" and I don't think I ever will but I allow much more wiggle room in them. This is a fairly positive change as you just can't "plan" life. It is going to happen even if it's not on your to-do list. My blood pressure is down significantly... ;)
All in all this year definately had it's moments, good and bad. I am much more self-aware and I think I am more comfortable in my own skin now than I have been in a long time. I have learned how to ask for what I need, how to tell folks what I don't need and I think I have even made a few more fun friends. But, I don't think I have become that person who only thinks of herself. I catch myself still trying to "fix" a few things, but hey, that's one of the best parts of me. Who knows if all of these changes will last? Not me..hell, 6 months from now I may have thrown away my favorite ball cap & Nikes, and will be wearing dresses and heels, combing my hair and wearing make-up daily. If that happens...someone please STOP me and get me the hormone replacement I would so obviously need!! I beg you!!
Happy LIFE folks, that's what counts!
