I understand.....

I saw you today. Right there in aisle 8 at Walmart. I almost smiled, hopeful that this time would be the time you didn't turn and walk the other way. Silently hoping that after almost 28 years, we would finally be able to talk again. But, the tears of pain in your eyes and the wrench of your mouth told me it wasn't to be this time, the same way the hurried change of direction made it clear.

I wish we could talk. I wish that you could know my boys and understand that the memory of your daughter lives on, with me and within my children. My boys KNOW her from my memories and my stories. They see her smile because I still have pictures of her and I together. They know we were ornery shits that occasionally got up to no good. They can almost tell our stories better than I can. They know she was the sister of my heart instead of my blood.

I wish I could tell you how her and I still 'talk' in my dreams. She has been with me my entire adult life, helping me through the many hard parts and celebrating all of the good. I wish we could go visit her together on her birthday and lean on each other while we shed a tear or two remembering that awful day. Instead I drive on by when I see you at her headstone, only to return when I know you've left.

Even at 18, I understood when you asked me to stop coming around. I understood that seeing me was painful and I would never want to cause you additional pain. I mean no disrespect to you by writing this, this is simply way to ease my pain and send my wishes out to the universe. Maybe you'll see this and maybe you won't. I just wish you knew that I am sorry. I'm sorry seeing me causes you such pain.

I truly understand. I miss her every day and always will.

I wish you peace of heart. If the time ever comes, you need only say the word and I'll be there.