Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Dream Issues....

I have always been blessed (or cursed?) with very vivid dreams and I can always remember the details. I tell people about my dreams sometimes and occasionally I get the "hmmm, is she nuts?" look. I don't think I am really nuts, I think I have a very vivid imagination and that my subconscious releases some pent up creativity and stress as needed for my sanity.

When I was young and innocent my good dreams always centered around the things I found most fun, entertaining, guys that were "cute", and people who cared for me. My bad dreams ALWAYS consisted of snakes, spiders and Santa Clause trying to kill me. (I can thank my brother for the Santa dreams!) To this day 2 of the three are still a big phobias for me.

I lost my mom when I was 25 years old. At that point my dreams shifted a bit. My bad dreams still held the spiders, snakes and occasional holiday figure, but they also grew to include the fear of being right THERE but unable to help someone who needed it. Ain't hard to figure out some of my personality traits now, is it? While mom and I had a somewhat rocky relationship as I was growing up, by the time I married and had my first son, we had grown to understand each other a bit more and just at the time we were finally working toward becoming "friends" like my friends had talked about being with their mom, she passed away. I wonder what she would think of the woman I am now? My dreams of her tell me she is proud of me, the life I live and the children I am raising/have raised. Let's hope that is the case.

When Dad was first diagnosed with Lung Cancer, the doctors were not very optimistic. Well, he showed them who was boss. Eleven months after the initial diagnosis he was cancer free. We had about 13 months before he started having stomach aches which proceeded his pancreatic cancer diagnosis. I was floored by this. Hadn't we already beat the beast once? Why, Why, WHY??? It just didn't seem fair for him, or me, to be honest and possibly sound selfish, to have to go through this hell once again. But, what do ya do? You suck it up, and as an admirable woman named Patty says "You put on your big girl panties" and get to work. Dad worked his butt off until last November, when we lost him.

Anyway, my dad has been on my mind a lot the past couple weeks. Maybe because Spring is here and that was his favorite time of the year. I am mowing, mushroom hunting, fishing, and getting my flip flop tan line that he always chuckled about, just like every Spring. May is quickly approaching and for the last few years I would always take a week of vacation so that Dad and I could go catch Blue Gill and Crappie out at "Pete's". (I wonder if the owners would let me come fishing there?) But anyway, whatever the reason behind it, my memories were fresh, my heart is raw, and the pain of not having him had become almost intolerable.

Sorry, I am rambling a bit, bear with me, I am getting to the point.

While dad was having treatment I would have a recurring dream. In the dream my cell phone was an alarm and when Kid Rock's "All Summer Long" song came out, we would have to go fight the bad guys. During a nights dream we would go fight several times and win. But, the last "fight" of every dream always started out with that ever annoying "Kung Fu Fighting" song. (by the way, dad and I were characters from Kung Fu Panda in these dreams). When this particular alarm went off in the dream Dad (panda) would always tell me to stay here...he would take care of the bad guy and then the dream was over. I would wake from these dreams somewhat confused and usually a LOT upset. I felt like they were preparing me for what was to come and what I wasn't ready to face.

I was mowing the farm Monday and almost dumped the mower in the pond. After I saved myself and the mower from an untimely dip in the cold water, I started shaking and crying and had to stop the mower. I could just hear my dad telling me about paying attention and watching where I was going, as he had several times in the past. The funny thing is, dad usually dumped his mower into his pond at least once a year! I am not sure exactly what finally triggered the breakdown I shoulda had months ago, but boy, did I break down!

Last night my recurring dream returned, but with a twist. Dad and I were doing our bad guy fighting, just like always. When the final fight (still that stinking Kung Fu Fighting song) came up, Dad once again told me to stay put while he went to fight. The twist was, the dream didn't stop at that point like it had before. Last night, I waited at the curb and Dad came back to the car (always the Green Camero) and he was DAD, not panda. He opens the door up and tells me that the fight is over, that he is going to stay there and have a beer with mom and that I should get home to my family. He walks away with a wave and a smile and I go home to my family.

I woke up today with tears still falling but a much lighter heart. Pretty sure paying a counselor isn't going to be needed, at least for a while yet. 


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