Personally, I hate that feeling of being “out of control” when I am pissed off. I freely admit I have a temper although I am usually able to keep myself under control and not retaliate more than a couple verbal shots to the offender’s ego. But, if you make me mad enough that I cry….watch out, I am close to the explosion that, more than likely, you deserve. I don’t cry easily or often. I don’t like to cry, it makes my nose get all red and stuffy and my face gets all blotchy.
There was an incident a while ago that brought me to tears in a very public way, right on the sideline of a varsity football game. Without going into complete detail, lets just summarize the incident into a brief sentence: “You were adopted by Leo, you aren’t even his real kid”. Talk about a kick in the teeth! That comment really hurt which in turn made me so angry I could do nothing but stand there with tears rolling down my face and my heart breaking.
I have known since I was old enough to understand the phrase, that Dad had adopted me. Dad met me for the first time when I was six weeks old and I have never thought of Dad as anything but “Dad”. He chose to legally make my brother and I his own shortly after getting married to my mom. What really knocked me on my ass about this comment wasn’t the attack on me but the lack of respect it showed my dad and his memory. How could someone question his intentions for my brother and I almost 42 years after he made that decision? He taught me how to fish, ride two wheel bikes, and applied band-aids as needed. He raised me to know how to work, what respect is, and how good you feel when you help others just because you can. He was always there for me to lean on when I needed to and later on, he knew I would always be there for him. Dad raised my brother and I as his kids and I can, without a doubt in my mind, say he never thought about the process anymore than what we did.
I freely admit that when I heard this, I lost it. I said some things that were probably uncalled for and really not nice at all. After loosing sleep over this, shedding tears, saying a whole lot of words that aren’t very Christian, and throwing/kicking many things, I started to calm down a bit. I admit, it took me a while to calm down enough to think through the problem, but I eventually did.
When I took the time to rationally go through everything that had happened, my focus cleared up a bit. Not only could I see what the intentions behind this comment were, I could also see the emotions behind it. The anger & bitterness, while directed at me, stem from feelings regret and jealousy. Nothing I say or do can cure these problems for someone else. That’s for them to deal with and hopefully heal from. I made my choices over the last several years; I live with them and have no real regrets or doubts about my choices.
While I will never forget the intentional pain inflicted by this comment and the many others, I will learn to turn the other cheek as often as I need to. (Thank Jim K, I needed that reminder!!) I will continue to be the person my Dad raised me to be: A good wife, mother, sister, and friend. Someone who is honest, who works hard, plays often, and whose character and integrity are not often questioned. With that being said, I am not nor will I ever be a doormat that people can just walk all over. I will stand for what I believe is right and may the good Lord be by your side if you try to hurt me or mine.
And how are you?
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