Monday, June 10, 2013

Sex in the country...part 2

When I started dating my mother sat me down and gave me the "talk". Back then, the big risk of "going all the way" was an unexpected pregnancy or a healthy crop of crabs. Sex was just starting to become lethal in the late 80's in rural America. Mom's talk consisted of "You are a gift. A gift given and a gift received. Make sure your gift means something." At the time I was soooo not wanting to have that conversation so I just mumbled something to make her go away or at the very least change the subject. Looking back I realize how very right she was. Thanks Mom! Those wise words were also followed up by the comment that if and when I decided to have sex, I should talk with her about birth control. EEEK!!!! My mind immediately flashed to the possible outcome of said conversation..... (that thought still makes me shudder!)

Flash forward 20 years and I am now the mom having the talk with my kids. We discuss the dangers of unprotected sex. Not only the unexpected pregnancy but how very dangerous it is to not use latex protection. I added on my own words of wisdom. "Every time you have sex with someone you are making the decision that this girl could be a part of your life, for the rest of your life. If she has a baby, make no mistake, she will be a part of your life, through that child, until the end of your days. Make sure you are willing to make that commitment." Not sure if my brand of wisdom really sunk in but I am pretty sure that the mortification I felt during my teen years has been successfully shared with the next generation.

So, to get back to the "story". After the dating process has gone on a while, eventually you come to the crossroads of taking that next step or breaking it off. Of course, you talk and giggle with your friends about doing "IT" or not. Discussions about how things actually happen goes on with your maybe slightly more experienced friends and the decision is made one way or the other. But...eventually you meet someone you want to take that ultimate step with. My lord...don't you just remember how mixed your emotions were? You really liked the guy but were scared. You really wanted to but really worried about the pain factor. Would it hurt? Would anyone know? Will I look different? Will I walk different? All those questions and a million more run through your head. You plan for your "big night" just like you did for the first date. What to wear? Where to go? Do I provide the protection or does he? Will Mom notice if I buy new underwear for the big night? Will she be able to look at me and just KNOW????? OMG!! What if DAD finds out???? And on and on and on.

The big night comes and goes with all the awkwardness we remember. Of course the next day you sheepishly leave home at the first opportunity to get together with the girls and talk it ALL through. Huh, how confusing was THAT? Everyone has their own story about their first time and everyone had their own reaction to the big deed. Reactions ranged from "OMG it HURT!" to "What's the big deal?" to "I can't wait to try it again!" And the questions "Do I look different?", "Am I walking funny?", "What did he look like naked?", etc. We worried endlessly that he would tell his friends (like you JUST did) and that EVERYONE would soon know. Then comes the terrifying moment when you actually see HIM again. Boy, the comfort level you thought you had with this special guy is totally gone on that first meeting following that night. It takes a little while to feel like you know him as well as you did prior to the deed. And, sadly, eventually your "first" probably goes by the way side like the other first date guys have done. You always remember him and that night, either fondly, with mild embarrassment or just plain horror.

Now, you are an experienced woman of the world, right? SNORT! You start this whole process over again with new guys, on new first dates. But it seemed like that crossroads was much easier to get to once you initially made that decision, didn't it? Guys were quicker to press the issue if they knew you were no longer a virgin. The dance that used to end w/ the deep sigh and "ok" were quicker to end in a "why not?!?" Which usually ended the relationship for me, to be honest. I didn't like being pressured then and to this day I still don't like people pressing me for something I don't want to do. :)

Now that you are older and wiser you start to notice a little more about the guys/men around you. You look at them differently than just deciding that they are "cute". And then, at some point, you discover "Chemistry"!
Ladies, do you remember the first time you actually felt "chemistry" with a guy? I do, and I remember that guy very fondly to this day. I was set up on a blind date by one of my best friends. Her brother's buddy was home from college (YES! A college guy!! How AWESOME was that??) and he thought I was cute and wanted to be set up with me.

That blind date was my first experience with instant attraction. We met up for dinner and a movie and ZING! That first eye contact sent all the hairs on my arms straight up and the butterfly's were just a fluttering in my belly. My first thought was that I was getting sick, to be honest. Tummy was rumbly, knees were a bit weak, a light sweat on my forehead. We head out for our dinner and as we get to know each other we realize that we have a lot in common. Similar sense of humor, liked the same stuff, etc. We hit it off at once, besides the whole instant attraction thing. It seems like steps 1-5 on the old comfort meter just zoom by and by the end of the dinner I am really having fun and ready for a movie. As we walk to his car to head to the movies, he held my hand. Damn, did lightning just strike my palm? WOW! We got to the movies and if that wasn't sweet torture I don't know what was. Sitting next to this guy who just seems to draw you like a magnet. I have to admit, I don't remember what movie we watched that night as I couldn't concentrate at all. After the movie we go for a drive before he takes me home. We talk a lot and not just the normal HS talking. Life, ambitions, etc. Really, as I look back, this date made me become more of an adult when it comes to the oppisite sex than any other. I realized that there was much more to men than cute or not, popular or not, and nice car or not. When he took me home I was, I have to admit, disappointed. I wasn't ready for the night to be over at all. Damn curfew! I popped in to say I was home and that we were going to sit on the dock for a while and talk, which we did, for hours! Dad finally comes out and tells him that it's REALLY time for me to come in and for him to GO HOME! We part ways with our first/last kiss and good-bye. He has to head back to school the next day so no future dates are planned. Through the next couple of weeks we talk on the phone a bit but never did go out again or see each other again. As life has went on I still occasionally meet those people that I instantly connect with. Some of these people I just meet once and most of the others have become some of my dearest friends.

After that memorable night, I didn't date for a long time. I wasn't heart broken or anything, I just learned that I wanted MORE from a guy than cute/popular. I wanted to find someone who I could talk with, laugh with, plan with, dream with, and who gave me the ZING! That really wasn't all that easy to find in our little small town. About half way through my Senior year, I met a guy who provided all that. And of course, being the stupid 17/18 year old that I was, it scared the shit outta me. I broke it off with him right before senior prom as I felt I wasn't ready for that type of serious relationship. All of his friends and mine were upset w/ me because they felt I had broken his heart. Little did they know that I was hurting just as much but wasn't going to admit that I had made a mistake. I spent the next 6 months partying it up and enjoying the just graduated HS freedom. College was just around the corner and I was excited and mostly having a blast as every 18 year old should.  Then we bump into each other again and I decide I want him back. (Yeah, pretty shitty of me, huh?) I have to admit, he made me work pretty damn hard at winning him back. Right before I started classes at OCC we got together again. I am thrilled and happy to say that almost 24 years later, we are the parents of two wonderful kids and that we still talk, laugh, dream, and plan together.

When I originally started this topic, I had a whole other direction in mind about where I was going with it. My "topic" was going to be about being married, having kids, and what happens when it just doesn't work out. I wrote and wrote about how I think people should behave once a divorce happens. I was being a fairly judgemental bitch to be honest. While I do have thoughts about this topic, I am not sure I should throw them all out there. I have never been divorced so who am I to say? But, a few comments I am comfortable making are these: a) if you aren't happy in your marriage, end it if you can't work through the issues. Staying married "for the kids" just ain't a good plan. b) The kids should never be put in the middle or have to take second to what you want to do. c) You are a parent until the day you die. You can't divorce your kids. Live up to the commitment you made when you had the kids.

Anyway, that's my tale of Sex in the Country! Happy Monday Folks!




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